In the busy world full of challenges and feverish schedules, parents can get REALLY irritated with their kids not behaving as they would like them to. And then comes the ‘spontaneous overflow of powerful emotions’ like these :
“How rude was that?!”
“Hold your tongue or……”
“What makes you so difficult?”
“Why are you always so hyper?”
Ironically, we as parents can be as cranky as the kids. We demand good behaviour, respect, maturity, self-regulation, discipline, obedience, politeness etc. but at the drop of a hat, we too get hysterical when faced with a difficult situation with kids. The truth is that we fail to realize that emotions are the most complicated and difficult to handle. After all, the world saw two world wars only because a few adults failed to handle their emotions in the right way, at the right time!
Yes, emotions are complex and for young children, navigating these complexities is not easy – at all stages from infancy to adolescence to young adulthood. Thus, treading on thin ice, even parents need to be counselled or trained to handle difficult situations with kids at different stages. To make life more agreeable, parents need to remember that we are dealing with brain development and all the complicated wiring that leads to emotions, self-control and decision making.
Till the age of 7-8, it could just be for the demands of the lower brain seeking instant gratification, satiation of hunger, thirst, sleep etc. Being the alarm centre, the lower brain triggers either the fight or flight mode. However, as they start stepping into the ‘ugly duckling’ stage of early teens, the middle brain (also known as the emotional brain) can dramatically alter their articulation of difficult emotions. Consequently, you have voluminous outbreaks of harsh verbal, non-verbal and body language along with a crude blend of tears and tantrums. The higher or rational brain develops fully till 24 years of age only. But the journey till 24 is no less than a jungle safari!
Children’s or teenagers’ emotional manifestations can be bigger than adults’. No one can imagine what big emotions can come from such little frames! And, using big emotions to combat big emotions only leads to explosions. Strong-willed children can be hard to handle and a parent may be tempted to fall in the trap of yelling and screaming. However, let’s work out something more effective.
Children, however they may contradict or ignore you, unwittingly start perceiving themselves with the viewpoint you create about them. Hence, the most crucial thing to remember is to NEVER EVER label your child. A child is not mean, difficult or stubborn 24 hours a day. But your labelling can make you, your child and eventually everyone else around you believe that your child is so, thus pinning a fixed social image of your child. And once the child accepts that image of himself or herself, it will hinder their evolution or transformation into a better human being as they grow up. Rather than saying, “You are so rude” you could say, “What you just said sounded very rude. I’m sure you could say it in a better way.”
As Gandhiji said - “Hate the sin, not the sinner.” Start with differentiating between the behaviour and the person your child really is. Keep them apart and never mix up the two. This will help you refrain from calling your child hard, hyper, stubborn, difficult, mean, whiny etc. and ingraining them with a label. It is better to label the emotion and the reason behind it rather than censoring your child. Start by talking about your own emotions. Why are you upset? What makes you happy? How do you feel when no one listens to you? Discuss with your kid when he/she is sober. Eventually this will help them untangle and label their emotions – “It looks like you are feeling sad that your friend didn’t want to play”. Model and praise good manners. Correct and reinforce what good manners look or sound like.
However, all this works when we catch them young. Once the habit of answering back or misbehaving is strengthened due to neglect or pampering by parents, there is no going back. The damage done is permanent most of the times. So, it’s wise to start early. As early as possible. It’s vital to nip rude or impolite behavior in the bud. Wrong behaviour should always be unacceptable. And, as you correct your child, don’t lose temper or self-control. Be a good role model.
And the next step is to talk about and plan healthy ways to express difficult emotions. It is important to create opportunities for you and your child to come up with alternative solutions to expressing emotions instead of hitting, throwing things, banging doors or yelling. Remind them of this when they go back to that behavior during a fit of anger. Praise them generously when they handle feelings in a healthy way. Celebrate small victories. Regulate your own response to situations. In situations of crisis, be as patient as possible. Don’t stretch the drama. A few things need to be said thus far and no further. Connect more with your kids when they are in a good mood. The more children feel connected to parents, the more they are able to regulate and deal with emotions in a better way. Teach them good communication and guide them to identify the WHATs and WHYs of their feelings. Let them make their small everyday decisions. Children feel they have a say in everything, at least their own life. Let them solve the little dilemmas of their life with your help. Direct commands and orders are a no-go. Most importantly, never try to change or mould them into what you want them to be, lest you break or distort them. Just help them monitor their evolution and shape themselves up, consciously and beautifully, with your support. After all, they do not exist as somebody for us to control. Instead, we must let them be their own person.
Every time your child demonstrates a difficult behavior, stop and ask yourself----“Where is this behaviour coming from? What could be the reason of this?” Think, explore and respond with empathy and understanding. Teach them :
That it is better to yell than hit; for it won’t harm anyone.
That it is better to cry than yell; for it will only calm you.
That it is better to discuss than cry; for it will give you the solution.
Happy parenting! :)